How REBT Can Help You Think Better, Feel Better, and Live Better

By Dr. Daniel Lydon

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Things shouldn’t be this way” or “They ought to treat me better than that”?

If so, you’ve already glimpsed what psychologists call irrational beliefs — rigid, inflexible thoughts that can leave us feeling stuck, angry, anxious, or depressed.

As a psychologist, I often help people uncover and work through exactly these kinds of beliefs by means of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Developed by psychologist Albert Ellis, REBT was a pioneering form of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Ellis’s direct, no-nonsense (yet deeply compassionate) approach laid much of the groundwork for what we now often refer to as CBT.

What Is REBT?

REBT began in the 1950s, under Ellis’s guidance. Influenced by Stoic philosophers, Ellis noticed that it wasn’t simply the external event that upset people, it was their beliefs about the event. In his words:

“People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us.”

While external situations can certainly be painful, our emotional responses are shaped by how we interpret and evaluate those situations.

Ellis identified four main types of irrational beliefs that contribute to emotional distress:

1.    Demandingness (DEM): The belief that things must or should go a certain way. For example, “People must treat me fairly.”

2.    Awfulizing (AWF): The tendency to view unpleasant events as catastrophic or unbearable.

3.    Frustration Intolerance (FI): The idea that “I cannot stand it” when things are difficult or uncomfortable.

4.    Global Evaluations of Worth (Devaluations): Judging ourselves, others or life as 100 % bad because of one mistake or one difficulty. For example, “I made a mistake, so I am a total failure.”

Of these, Ellis considered demandingness to lie at the core of much human suffering. When we demand life, others, or ourselves to be different from reality, we set ourselves up for unnecessary pain.

How REBT Works

According to REBT, our thoughts produce our emotions. External events (breakups, job losses, arguments) don’t automatically cause certain emotional reactions. It’s instead the meaning we assign to them that drives how we feel.

For example: If a friend doesn’t return your call, you might think: “They are ignoring me, how rude!” and feel anger. But if you instead think: “Maybe they’re busy; I’ll check in later,” you might feel mild disappointment instead of rage.

REBT invites us to:

· Become aware of these internal scripts (the “shoulds,” “musts,” “can’ts”).

· Actively dispute irrational beliefs.

· Replace them with rational, flexible, reality-based beliefs.

With time, this shift in thinking tends to bring healthier emotions (sadness instead of depression, concern instead of severe anxiety, assertive anger instead of rage). Healthier emotions then lead to more adaptive behaviours (things we can actually initiate to promote our well-being, the well-being of others, and our relationships).

Instead of being enraged and hopeless after a friend rejects you, you might instead feel healthy anger and sadness and these emotions can then motivate and fuel constructive action: a conversation, boundary setting, or investing more energy into more supportive relationships.

A Common Example: When Reality Refuses to Cooperate

Let’s consider a scenario I come across often in my work.

Rebecca and Paige have been best friends since childhood. Recently, Rebecca has felt hurt and frustrated. She notices Paige reaching out less often, and when they talk, Paige seems self-absorbed. On social media, Rebecca sees Paige out with other friends without her.

Rebecca’s internal narrative goes something like this:

“I have always been a caring, thoughtful friend to Paige. I check in on her, invite her out but she doesn’t do the same for me. She should be more considerate. She should care about me the way I care about her.”

Rebecca’s emotional result: anger, sadness, resentment.

In REBT terms: the distress is not simply because Paige is acting this way. It’s that Rebecca holds the demandingness belief, “She should treat me differently.” Reality, as it turns out, refuses to cooperate with Rebecca’s demand.

An REBT-informed therapist might gently point out:

“It makes perfect sense that you want Paige to be more considerate. You clearly value connection and reciprocity. But notice you are saying she should be that way. Unfortunately, wanting something doesn’t make it so. What if you shift ‘she should’ into ‘I wish she would’?”

That small shift from demand to preference changes things considerably.

Rebecca might instead think:

“I really wish Paige were more thoughtful. It would mean a lot to me. However, this is who she has been lately. I can decide how I want to respond, whether that’s having an honest conversation, setting boundaries, or spending more time with friends who reciprocate my energy.”

Now that’s a rational belief grounded in acceptance of reality and self-empowerment. The result? Less rage and despair, more clarity and peace. Rational beliefs bring peace because they’re rooted in realistic expectations. When our expectations of others (and ourselves) are grounded in what is, rather than what we demand them to be, we’re less likely to feel resentful, enraged or depressed when the other person falls short of our demands.

Why Therapy Helps

It’s not always easy to spot our own irrational beliefs. They often operate under the radar, shaping how we feel and behave without us realizing it. Many clients I work with say: “I had no idea how rigidly I was thinking about this,” or “I didn’t realize how many ‘shoulds’ I was carrying for myself and everyone else.” I’ve also heard: “I have been expecting life to fit my rules instead of accepting it as it is.”

That’s where therapy comes in. A trained psychotherapist acts as a compassionate observer helping you slow down, examine your thinking, challenge beliefs that may be holding you back.

With time, clients often report feeling lighter, freer, more emotionally balanced. They begin to respond to life’s challenges with greater resilience and often see improvements in their relationships as a natural outcome of their new way of thinking and responding.

Closing Thoughts

REBT reminds us: While we cannot always control what happens to us, we can control how we interpret it and respond to it. When we learn to replace “shoulds” and “musts” with preferences and acceptance, we make space for growth, peace and meaningful change.

If you’ve been struggling with overwhelming emotions, unhelpful thought patterns, or persistent relationship frustrations, therapy can help you see your situations, and yourself, more clearly. Change is possible. And often, it begins by seeing your world through a new lens, one that REBT can help you adopt.